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Tom Gordon states that the more you use power over children, the less you will have influence over their lives. The alternative to using control with children is referred to as using the ‘three C’s:’
Content – what are they being asked to do?
Collaboration – explain, listen to, consult with and plan together.
Choice – bring them in on it. The more one feels a part of the process, the more ones’ point of view is solicited and taken seriously, and the fewer challenges there will be to deal with. It is important that choices are matched by skills or children will end up working to beat the system.
| REWARD & PUNISHMENT | THE 3C’s | |
|---|---|---|
| Definitions | (1) Reward: something given in return or recompense for service, merit, or hardship (2) afford satisfaction (1) Punishment: the fact of being punished for an offense, fault, etc (2) severe handling or treatment. | (1) Content: Exploration of what they think about what they are being asked to do. (2) Collaboration: Explain, listen to, consult with and plan together. (3) Choice: Have children participate in making real decisions about what happens |
| Consequences | creates low self-esteem, low self-worth robots, rebels or negotiators. | The 3 C’s result in happy, productive children acting responsibly, competent, developing pro-social values. |
| Negotiations | result in thinking: "How can I get out of this?" | The 3 C’s result in: How to be a good person. |
| Manipulations | are pretentious: "I like the way Jenny is sitting." Is pretending to talk to Jenny when really using her to manipulate others. | The 3 C’s increase cooperation, connection, honesty, learning from mistakes, moving on |
| Punishments | teach that power is used coercively, increase self-centeredness and neediness, and retard ethical behavior. The result is more acting out. | The 3 C’s increase self-confidence and self- reliance. Teach compassion, responsibility. Overall, improve behavior. |
| Praises as Defined by an Adult | such as “Good job,” result in less helpful, less responsible, more insecure children. | The 3 C’s result in more helpful, responsible and secure children. |
| Camouflages of Power | such as "You need to…" "I need you to…" "Because you chose to play ball in the house, you have also chosen to spend the evening in your room." | The 3 C’s create participation in making real decisions even when limit setting by an adult is required. “I can’t let you play in the road… …so where can you play safely?" |
| Bribes and Threats | even when dressed up as ‘positive reinforcement and logical consequences’ the result is a child who participates less. | The 3 C’s encourage participation in activities such as mutual problem solving, home & class meetings, community building activities, pro-social awareness. |
| Rewards and Awards | are control through seduction | The 3 C’s increase ingenuity, creativity, success, community and relationship |
| Charts of Behavior | are about behavior not children. Charts do not care why the child is behaving the way he/she is. | The 3 C’s create positive behaviors including caring. |
| Conditions | mean "You get love when you earn it." | The 3 C’s speak for themselves, "I love you." |
| Time Outs | make a child feel worse which creates a revenge cycle rather than better behavior. | The 3 C’s provide presence, support and awareness of needs. |
| Incentives For Behavior Control | result in less driven, do not learn as well, will perform in quickest most simple manner. | With the 3 C’s children will explore hunches, play out possibilities, etc. |
| Quality of Learning | goes down as extrinsic reward goes up. | With the 3 C’s the quality of learning goes up with intrinsic reward. |
| Teaching | is mostly lecturing. | With the 3 C’s is mostly listening. |
